Truths of my DNA

Truth hits you at your solar plexus at the most unexpected moments in life. It happened to me at 1.30 am this morning. I am still a little woozy in the head as a result of it. I guess you can call it the truth-hangover. A friend challenged (yes, at that ungodly hour!) the DNA of my mind; my individuality and my identity. “Who are you?” my friend asked, in a 1.30 am bed-voice, yet lucid and unambiguous. “Where do your beliefs or values come from? Are they a product of your intelligence, your thinking, and your way of life? Did you decide to believe in certain values after questioning its veracity? Or are your beliefs a residue of hand-me-down beliefs and values of your parents, your religion, your church, your friends and your environment?” And the first thing that came to my mind was: I am not debate-fit at 1.30 am in the morning and I am at my vulnerable best.

My friend has a simple philosophy of what is good and bad in life. “If something makes you happy, gives you joy and doesn’t hurt another person, then it is good. The rest are bad.” And another favorite: “We all have limited time on earth. Go with the flow of life. Don’t put off things for tomorrow, because you might miss your chance and you might regret it later in life.”

But, I am a lot more complicated than my friend. I start off well, uncomplicated and simple. Then the simplicity ends. I would begin to question the thought and soon it would be deluged with layers of doubts. And soon I am lost in a maze of confusion. Then I plough my way through it to see light at the end of the tunnel. But in the process I drive people crazy, especially friends.

For example, I might think there is nothing wrong in two people having a physical relationship if they are attracted to each other and if they are unattached to other people and if they are adults and if they are fully aware of the consequences of their actions. But, that’s where the simplicity ends. Then I would deluge the whole thinking with layers of doubts –is it right for two people to get together simply because they have great chemistry? Doesn’t it seem shallow? What would society think, parents think and the rest of the worlds think of a woman who does something like that? What is the difference between her and a hooker? At least, the latter is doing it for a livelihood? Above all would Jesus approve of it? (Yeah, Mr. is always there at the back of my mind putting a spoke in all my wheels, especially if it’s something to do with you know what) Would it be right? Would it be ethical?

Then my liberated, educated self would kick-in and stir the pot some more: What is wrong in two people enjoying themselves? Why should there be a foundation of relationship to every union? A woman is entitled to her body and it is her business alone what she does with it. The world can go hang? Why shouldn’t she do what she wants to do? So you see, just a few seconds of thinking gives rise to so many questions. And I am like a dog with a bone when I get to chew on something like this. So, you can only imagine how complicated I can get my life to be….

My friend, I think, has more or less given up on me. I think my friend thinks that I am a lost case. I heard it in the exasperation of the voice last night. I know exasperation from static over telephone lines, believe me!

Coming back to the truth that stung me this morning…..It set me asking few questions of myself. And I think I might have begun as a product of hand-me down values, but at the same time I am also someone who is constantly trying to make sense of these values to decide what I should retain as my legacy and what I should discard to pave way for my own believes. And now, that is a life-long progression. I read something this morning which explains my situation aptly:

Psychologists call the unease you feel when you hold two conflicting opinions cognitive dissonance. The theory is that you will be unwilling to simultaneously hold two apparently contradictory beliefs in your mind and will attempt to modify one or the other to minimize the dissonance or conflict.

Imagine what would happen with instances of more deep-seated beliefs. Not only do you have the dissonance associated with trying to hold two contradictory beliefs in your mind simultaneously, but, even worse, if you accept the new idea that might mean the first tone was wrong and you’ve lost your invested credibility!

Most people don’t like being wrong, so they would either ignore the new idea or even worse, come up with all sorts of counter arguments as to why it’s wrong. To an independent observer, this appears totally irrational.

My friends say that I break my pattern of thinking so often that it confuses people. My pattern breaks so often, because of a simple truth in life: We keep changing on a daily basis. And that change is a result of our experiences in life. As humans, we are after the truth. So we are constantly looking for whether the second idea is better than the first. And if the second idea is more accurate, serves us better, or is otherwise superior to the first one that we believe in, then we accept it or at least a better idea comes along.

And that is the reason my pattern keeps changing every so often. Not because I am fickle. It is because I believe I am `ME’ and I can never be a product of someone’s values and beliefs. And I am constantly evolving. If not, I will die.

Changing your mind after gathering more complete information and thoroughly thinking things through is a sign of being logical, thorough, thoughtful and wise –or at least I would like to think so. And that is how you find your DNA. It is a process. Sometimes it takes a few minutes and sometimes it takes a life time. You cannot rush it. It has to happen organically. In the bargain, friends might lose patience with you and might move on to other friendships. If that happens, it would be sad. But you will live. You will learn to enjoy and cherish the moments you had with them and then let them go. But you cannot compromise. You can only hope and pray that people who come into your life and the people, who are already there, will have the patience to let you discover your own truth.

I have made peace with myself. Last night I was disturbed. But now, I know for sure that I am not fickle, I am not a serial pattern-breaker, and I am just someone who is taking time to discover the DNA of her mind and soul, at my own pace. Yeah, I regret hurting or confusing friends in the bargain, but I cannot do it any other way!